"Adult romantic love is an attachment bond, just like the one between mother and child." Sue Johnson Society has told us that in order to be independent, healthy adults, we need to separate ourselves from our parents, and learn to not depend on them for nurturing and comfort. However, the need to depend on one person, to know that when we call, that person will be there for us, never disappears. As psychiatrist John Bowlby said, “from the cradle to the grave,” we need to have someone to be there for us from the moment we are born until the moment we die. For this reason, romantic love is not illogical; it is, in fact, the continuation of an ordered plan for our survival. However, there is a difference: our partner doesn’t not have to be there physically. As children, we needed our caregivers in order to safe and protected. As adults, we can use mental images of our partner to call up a sense of connection. Whenever I have to do a presentation, I get anxious and nervous. What I do to calm down, is to picture my husband in mind and his encouraging words. The Laws of Love - 1
“The eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love.” Margaret Atwood You know that feeling; that feeling of longing. It’s the ache that something vital is missing from your life. You want more; more meaning, more connection, more energy – more something. Longing is that feeling that course through your body just before you decide that you’re restless, lonely, or unhappy. Longing is not a state of mind, it’s physical. Your whole body craves some essential nutrient that it’s not getting, that is quite difficult to define. Sometimes you can numb this ache with a deep dive into work and television. More often than not, though, these and other attempts to fill the aching void are just temporary distractions. What you are longing for is love. Love is the essential nutrient that your cells crave: true positive connection with other living beings. Love nourishes your body the way the right balance of sunlight, nutrient soil, and water nourishes plants and allow them to flourish. The more you experience it, the more you open up and grow, becoming wiser and more attuned, more resilient and effective, happier and healthier. You grow spiritually as well, better able to see, feel, and appreciate the deep interconnections that tie you to others. Just as your body was designed to extract oxygen from the earth’s atmosphere, and nutrients from the foods you ingest, your body was designed to love. New science of love for the first time is able to prove this to be true. We know today, that the love you do or do not experience may quite literally change key aspects of cellular architecture that affect [...]
Every couple has a dance, a cycle. There are moments that the couple is fully in sync with each other, but there are moments of missteps. In the dance of tango there is no script, is the connection with the partner that determines the next step. If we are not in sync, we will step on each other toes. Every couple has those moments, but we need to repair the disconnection. Complaints and criticism towards our partner are not the best ways to repair the disconnection. These actions may lead our partner to shut down and be distant emotionally. It's important to do some self-evaluation. Are you emotionally and physically available to your partner? Is it easy for your partner to access you? Is your partner able to share his or her feelings with you? Whenever someone is struggling, the person will send out some signals. Can you pick up the signals your partner is sending you? A good start is to begin a conversation about the sense of disconnection you have noticed and difficulty both of you are having in communicating with one another. Ask your partner about the things you might be doing that are causing him or her to shut down. This is a difficult step, but it can be helping in restoring connection. When listening, keep your mind and heart open to hear your partner's views of the problem. Make sure to set aside any kind of judgment about the things your partner is sharing with you. Be humble to see that there are new things to be learned. Let the words come and have an impact in your life. Listening to your partner's perspective, shows that you respect his or her thoughts and [...]
"The primary and main human instinct is neither sex nor aggression. It is to seek contact and comforting connection from another being." Sue Johnson English psychiatrist, John Bowlby, was the first to give us an understanding of love. Bowlby suggested that all of us are designed to love a few others to keep us feeling safe and protected from birth until the time we die. Sue Johnson, in her book "Love Sense," says that "although sex may push us to mate, it is love that guarantees our existence." When we come into the world, our attachment system has been hard-wired to seek connection with another human being. If you watch a baby being born, you will notice the way the baby will reach out to connect to the person who has been carrying him or her for nine months. The brain attachment system moves us to pursue physical closeness and build interactions with a few of our closest people, beginning with our mother. Reference: Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships.
Quando alguém se depara com uma situação como essa já imagina que está sendo traída, mas nem sempre é isso que está acontecendo. A verdade é que a vida sexual não é um tema comum nas conversas entre casais, mas isso está errado. É preciso ter a clareza de que um esfriamento na vida sexual, em geral, não é o problema e sim o reflexo de uma outra dificuldade do casal. O sexo é um complemento do relacionamento. A primeira recomendação é falar com o parceiro sobre o problema, explicar que percebeu um afastamento e que gostaria de se reaproximar. Apenas com uma conversa franca, o casal vai conseguir encontrar a dificuldade existente e se reconectar. Aprenda o que a ciência diz sobre o amor.
Você as vezes sente que o seu marido ou namorado nunca tem tempo para você? Ele está sempre trabalhando mais horas e passa menos tempo em casa? O seu parceiro está sempre exausto quando te vê? Se você respondeu sim a estas perguntas, você provavelmente está em um relacionamento com um “workaholic,” uma pessoa viciada em trabalho. A vocação é a vida do workaholic. Esta pessoa pode estar casada, geralmente com filhos, mas é obsecada na carreira. Ele não entende porque a sua esposa não esta feliz com suas realizações e as coisas que ele está provendo à familia. Mas para o workaholic, o foco do trabalho não é o dinheiro e sim uma busca para fazer sentido da vida. A sua vida sempre está sempre desequilibrada. Para entender o seu parceiro, é importante entender a necessidade interior que está motivando o seu comportamento. Estas são as 3 necessidades de pessoas que são viciadas em trabalho: 1. Necessidade de significado. Muitos workaholics sofrem de um profundo sentimento de inferioridade. Este sentimento tem uma raiz na infância quando os pais transmitiam um mensagem, “Você não é tão inteligente quanto o seu irmão. Você não é bom como sua irmã.” O trabalho é uma tentativa de superar este sentimento de inferioridade. 2. Necessidade de ser amado. Muitos workaholics não se sentem amados. As mensagens que eles receberam de seus pais foram, “Nos te amamos se você tira A’s. Nos te amamos se você arrumar a sua cama e lavar a louça.” O amor conditional prepara a criança para se tornar um adulto viciado em trabalho. 3. Necessidade de realização. O workaholic acredita que a melhor maneira de se realizar é buscar a carreira com paixão, ser bem-sucedido [...]
Do you ever feel that your partner never has time for you? Is your husband spending long hours at work and very short hours at home? Is your wife always exhausted when she sees you? If you are answering yes to these questions, you might be in a relationship with a workaholic. The vocation is the life of the workaholic. This person is married, usually with children, but is obsessed with the career. He can’t understand why his wife is not happy with his accomplishments and the things he is providing. But for the workaholic, it’s not about the money – it’s a search for meaning. His life is completely out of balance. In order to understand your partner, it’s important to understand the inner drive motivating his behaviors. These are the 3 inner needs of individuals we call workaholics: 1. Need for significance. Many workaholics suffer from a deep feeling of inferiority. This feeling is probably rooted in childhood when parents relayed the message, “You are not as smart as your brother. You are not as good as your sister.” The work is an attempt to overcome the feelings of inferiority. 2. Need to be loved. Many workaholics also feel unloved. The messages they received from their parents were, “We love you if get straight A’s. We love you if you make your bed and do the dishes.” The conditional love prepares the child to be become a workaholic adult. 3. Need for achievement. The workaholic believes that the best way to accomplish something of value is to seek the career with passion, to gather a successful financial portfolio, a big house and a nice car. The workaholic is constantly [...]
Aprendi que quando os casais ficam noivos, eles gastam muito tempo e energia planejando o casamento. Freqüentemente, os casais acabam esquecendo de nutrir seu relacionamento. O foco está sempre no futuro, conversas sobre os sonhos de um casamento maravilhoso, mas também é importante ser realista e falar sobre algumas de suas expectativas. Tomando o tempo para olhar para o seu relacionamento e suas expectativas para o futuro irá assegurar que seu casamento seja baseado em princípios sólidos. Aqui estão 3 passos que você deve tomar para manter seu casamento vivo e saudável: 1. Coloque o seu relacionamento em primeiro lugar. Agora você pode dizer que você está colocando seu relacionamento em primeiro lugar, porém, a correria do dia-a-dia - filhos, carreira, esportes, hobbies, amigos, atividades da igreja, consequentemente irão tomar o seu tempo e atenção. Os casais precisam constantemente re-definir e voltar para o outro e dedicar tempo para o relacionamento. 2. Comprometer-se a crescer juntos. Para construir um forte relacionamento, é importante que os casais estejam empenhados em crescer e mudar juntos. Quando um casal não está verdadeiramente comprometido, é mais fácil desistir quando surgem problemas. Um compromisso com o crescimento do relacionamento vai além de "ficar juntos", é um compromisso de se adaptar às necessidades do seu parceiro. 3. Trabalhar em ficar juntos. A chave para um casamento bem-sucedido está em entrar no casamento com a atitude que é preciso trabalhar para ficar juntos. Muitas atividades diferentes irão tomar o seu tempo e é importante que quando você se encontra sobrecarregada que você possa dizer não à atividades que não são necessárias. Ao tentar tomar uma decisão, pergunte a si mesma "Esta atividade irá nos aproximar, ou irá criar distância em nosso relacionamento?" Trabalhar em estar juntos irá ajudar a construir um relacionamento forte e saudável.
I have learned that when couples get engaged, they spend most of their time and energy planning the wedding. Frequently, forgetting to nurture their relationship now. The focus tends to be in the future since it is exciting to look forward to marriage and dream of how wonderful life will be, but it is also important to be realistic and talk about some of your expectations. Many married couples do not understand why the marriage did not turn out the way they expected. Taking the time to look at your present relationship and your expectations for the future will insure that your marriage is based on solid principles. Here are 3 steps you must take to keep your marriage alive and healthy: 1. Put your relationship first. Right now you can say that you are putting your relationship first, however, life will hit you – children, career, sports, hobbies, friends, church activities will take your time and attention. Couples need to consistently refocus and come back to each other and make time for the relationship. 2. Commit to grow together. To build a strong relationship it’s important that couples are committed to grow and change together. When a couple is not truly committed, it is easier to give up when problems arise. A commitment to growth goes beyond of “sticking together,” it’s a commitment to adapt to each other’s changing needs. 3. Work at staying close. The key to a successful marriage is entering the marriage with the attitude that it takes work to stay close. Many different activities will pull you away and it is important that when you find yourself overcommitted to pace yourself and say no when you need to. When trying [...]
Thinking in a positive way and stopping the negative thinking pattern is a good strategy you can use to handle the stress you might be experiencing in just about any circumstance. A positive mood can increase your ability to process new information and it helps improve your self-esteem. Can you teach yourself to think positively? ABSOLUTELY! You can use cognitive restructuring, a process of replacing the thoughts, ideas, and beliefs that maintain an individual’s problems. The self-talk, or positive self-statements are soundless, mental speech you can use when you are thinking about something, planning, or trying to solve a problem. The self-talk can do a lot to give you the confidence that frees you to use your talents to the fullest. Here are 5 strategies to help you keep your self-talk in check: Fine-tune your self-talk. During the day ask yourself, “What am I saying to myself right now?” Then write the thoughts and analyze the statements and the feelings behind them. Use uncomfortable emotions and moods such as stress, depression, and anxiety as a cue to listen to your self-talk. Identify the feeling, then ask yourself, “What was I saying to myself right before I started feeling this way?” Compare your self-talk predictions (what you thought was going to happen) with what actually happened. If the reality is different, pinpoint where your self-talk needs adjustment. Get help from a friend, partner, or therapist. Find someone who can help you identify ways your self-talk is distorted and help you improve your self-talk. Find the statements that help you cope more effectively with stressful situations. Replace Negative Self-Statements with Positive Ones Negative Self-Statement “I’ll never get this work done by tomorrow.” Positive Self-Statement “This is going to [...]