"Adult romantic love is an attachment bond, just like the one between mother and child." Sue Johnson Society has told us that in order to be independent, healthy adults, we need to separate ourselves from our parents, and learn to not depend on them for nurturing and comfort. However, the need to depend on one person, to know that when we call, that person will be there for us, never disappears. As psychiatrist John Bowlby said, “from the cradle to the grave,” we need to have someone to be there for us from the moment we are born until the moment we die. For this reason, romantic love is not illogical; it is, in fact, the continuation of an ordered plan for our survival. However, there is a difference: our partner doesn’t not have to be there physically. As children, we needed our caregivers in order to safe and protected. As adults, we can use mental images of our partner to call up a sense of connection. Whenever I have to do a presentation, I get anxious and nervous. What I do to calm down, is to picture my husband in mind and his encouraging words. The Laws of Love - 1

The Science of Love -1

“The eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love.” Margaret Atwood  You know that feeling; that feeling of longing. It’s the ache that something vital is missing from your life. You want more; more meaning, more connection, more energy – more something. Longing is that feeling that course through your body just before you decide that you’re restless, lonely, or unhappy. Longing is not a state of mind, it’s physical. Your whole body craves some essential nutrient that it’s not getting, that is quite difficult to define. Sometimes you can numb this ache with a deep dive into work and television. More often than not, though, these and other attempts to fill the aching void are just temporary distractions. What you are longing for is love. Love is the essential nutrient that your cells crave: true positive connection with other living beings. Love nourishes your body the way the right balance of sunlight, nutrient soil, and water nourishes plants and allow them to flourish. The more you experience it, the more you open up and grow, becoming wiser and more attuned, more resilient and effective, happier and healthier. You grow spiritually as well, better able to see, feel, and appreciate the deep interconnections that tie you to others. Just as your body was designed to extract oxygen from the earth’s atmosphere, and nutrients from the foods you ingest, your body was designed to love. New science of love for the first time is able to prove this to be true. We know today, that the love you do or do not experience may quite literally change key aspects of cellular architecture that affect [...]

It is difficult to talk to my partner. How do I get my partner to open up?

Every couple has a dance, a cycle. There are moments that the couple is fully in sync with each other, but there are moments of missteps. In the dance of tango there is no script, is the connection with the partner that determines the next step. If we are not in sync, we will step on each other toes. Every couple has those moments, but we need to repair the disconnection. Complaints and criticism towards our partner are not the best ways to repair the disconnection. These actions may lead our partner to shut down and be distant emotionally. It's important to do some self-evaluation. Are you emotionally and physically available to your partner? Is it easy for your partner to access you? Is your partner able to share his or her feelings with you? Whenever someone is struggling, the person will send out some signals. Can you pick up the signals your partner is sending you? A good start is to begin a conversation about the sense of disconnection you have noticed and difficulty both of you are having in communicating with one another.  Ask your partner about the things you might be doing that are causing him or her to shut down. This is a difficult step, but it can be helping in restoring connection.   When listening, keep your mind and heart open to hear your partner's views of the problem. Make sure to set aside any kind of judgment about the things your partner is sharing with you. Be humble to see that there are new things to be learned. Let the words come and have an impact in your life. Listening to your partner's perspective, shows that you respect his or her thoughts and [...]

Try These Tips for a Long Lasting Marriage

  We all hear the statistics of how 50% of all marriages end in divorce. So if you are already married or about to get married, what can you do to avoid becoming a divorce statistic? Here are some thoughts that can increase the likelihood of making your marriage last.   Communication – This is critical to any relationship, but especially to a marriage. If you don’t talk about the good, the bad and even the ugly, your spouse is going to have no idea that something is wrong. Ask about your spouse’s day, how they are feeling. Getting comfortable with the small talk will make the “Big Talks” less stressful. Have Fun – Let’s face it, we all like to have fun. Make sure that you have fun together. Whether it is a sport, a movie, or even playing a board game, do something fun together. Make them laugh and don’t forget to laugh at yourself. Respect Their Space - We all need some “me” time. How often can vary by person and by what is going on in their life. Give your spouse that space. Whether it is letting them sleep in on a Saturday morning, going for a solo walk or drive, let them go. They will appreciate the time on their own and will love you even more for giving it to them. Forgive – No one on this Earth is perfect. We are all going to make mistakes at some point in our marriage. Learn to forgive your spouse. Holding on to past grievances is not only toxic for a marriage, but it can affect your health. Now I’m not saying you should become a doormat and let your spouse [...]

Celebrate The Women In Your Life

Let’s face it; we all have at least one woman in our lives. Whether it is a mother, wife, daughter, friend or mentor, a woman has made a difference in our lives. Too often, these women go unrecognized for all that they do for those around them. This Friday, March 8th is International Women’s Day. Why not use that day to show your appreciation to all of the women in your life? So what is International Women’s Day? Here’s some background on the holiday. International Women’s Day has been observed since the early 1900’s. It was started to give a voice to the inequalities that were occurring towards women at the time. Since then, it has grown to be an observed holiday in over 70 countries. This year there will be over 1100 events held throughout these countries. Want to find out more about events in the US? Click here. For more information on events in Orlando, click here. If you can’t participate in these events, here are a few ideas to show your love and appreciation to the women in your life. Show Respect – For those important women in your life that are no longer with us, do something in their honor. It can be as simple as visiting their gravesite, or sharing stories about their lives with others. If they were active in a particular organization, or were an avid volunteer, share your time or treasure in honor of their service. View Their Achievements – Tour a local art museum featuring works by women. While touring, consider the additional difficulties these women faced as artists in a field made up predominately of men. Share the Love – Tell your special ladies, how [...]

You’ve Got The Ring, So Now What?

You and your honey have been together for a while now, you know that he is the one and now he has finally popped the question and given you a ring. You are both happy and have been sharing your news with friends and family. Everyone has been asking “When is the big day?” and you have no idea. We all anticipate that getting married is something that we will only do once, so planning a wedding can be a daunting task. Wedding planning doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Here are some basic tips to get you off to a good start. Determine a Date Range – While you can’t nail down an exact date right away, you need to decide on a date range. This could be an entire month or a few weekends. This will also help you in determining your budget.    Who’s Paying? – Gone are the days when the bride’s parents would pay for the wedding and the groom’s parents would pay for the rehearsal dinner. Many couples are waiting longer to get married and are more financially able to foot the bill for their wedding. Everyone’s situation is unique so work with both sets of parents to come up with a solution that works for everyone. Keep in mind, that if either set of parents is paying for a portion or all of the wedding, they will expect to have some say in how things are done.    Set a Budget and Stick to It – Now that you know who responsible for paying, make sure and set a budget…. And STICK TO IT!!  You don’t want to start off your life together surrounded by a mountain of debt. Furthermore, [...]

5 Tips To Show Your Love After Valentine’s Day

As the candles have been blown out, the romantic dinners had, gifts exchanged, and memories created, what do you do now to keep the love moving forward? Just because Valentines Day is over does not mean you have to stop showing the love that you have for someone. Love should not require us to show our significant others the love that they deserve just once a year, but instead daily. Love is something that, given enough tenderness, will grow deeper than you can imagine. Many people have this thought that once Valentines Day is over, that’s it. No need to be extra romantic or extra special towards the one you care for. However, it is even more important to show your significant other after the holiday to remind them what a major factor they are in your life. Here are some simple things to do to keep that romance alive through the year: 1. Flowers – Girls love flowers. Even better, your girl loves flowers sent to her job with a secret little note reminding her of how incredible she is to you. It makes everyone around her jealous and makes her blush and feel important. 2. Dinner – Don’t let going out or cooking for your significant other happen once a year. Make it a romantic occasion at least once a month. Find their favorite recipe, light some candles, put on some romantic music, and when they walk in the door, sweep them off their feet. It’s not every day that someone will sweep his or her significant other off the floor by going above and beyond. Who knows, you might have the romantic evening returned one day! 3. Baths – Really. After a [...]

5 Hot Date Night Ideas He’ll Love

Everyone knows that guys take girls out all the time on dates. However, in this modern society, it’s becoming socially acceptable for women to take their men out too. What is it that you do though with the man that you are spending time with getting to know? There are so many suggestions and ideas out there that sometimes it can get all too overwhelming. Here are some places to start that we hope will help! 1. Your man enjoys the craftier things in life… Craft beer that is. If your man is like most and enjoys beer, you might want to see if he is into craft beers and IPA’s. You might even recommended going to a few of the local breweries around town and watch him light up. The other nice thing is there are generally a few bars or restaurants you can go to that have some really nice wine or appetizers that you could get to enjoy so you’re not left out! 2. Does your man scream and yell… as his team scores the winning point? The one thing men can’t seem to get enough of is their sports. While this may seem the norm for some people, you would be surprised how many women floor their man by purchasing great floor seats to a basketball game, seats above the dugout, or right by the penalty box. Men like to see that you have the same interests as them so if you happen to like a sport he does, surprise him with tickets one day. Even better, ask if you can wear one of his jersey’s when you go to the game together, cheer extra loud for his team, and enjoy [...]

Take A Vacation To Rev Up Your Sex Life!

  On average, Americans receive 13 vacation days per year. A recent study shows that over 50% of us have unused vacation time at the end of the year. So why don’t we use our vacation days? Most of us leave vacation days on the table because we feel we have too much work or can’t afford to travel. A recent research study might just change your mind. The study conducted by experts in psychotherapy and health care show that vacations can help us to live longer and increase our libido in the process. Each of the couples showed increases in energy levels and experienced upswings in their mood. In addition to the emotional changes, the couples showed physical changes as well including decreases in blood pressure and improvement in “waist-hip ratios:”. The study also showed that time away for a couple can strengthen their relationship which in turns increases their sex drive. So with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, what can you do to put this research to the test? Vacation in Your Hometown - Take the opportunity to spend the night or weekend in a nice hotel and explore your town. There are so many things to do in your own town that are often overlooked. Check out your city’s visitor’s bureau or vacation website to get some ideas. “Borrow” a Vacation Home – Talk to a friend or family member who might have a beach house or a mountain home to see if you could borrow it for the weekend. You will be away from home and will be able to spend some time reconnecting with your lover. Check out “Last Minute Deals” – There are several websites that offer deals [...]

Betrayal Bond: Breaking the Bond

Image sourced from: February 7, 2013 Would you defend someone you love?  And as you think about this question, I want you to see if you are in a destructive relationship or not, if you are in denial, if you have a bond of betrayal with the person you love. What is betrayal?  Betrayal is a breach of trust and involves fear. What you thought was true, it is not true.  Everything in you wants to believe it but there is so much in front of you that is very hard to not see. Betrayal – can also be a form of abandonment.  Betrayal can be traumatic.  And once you have been betrayed, you may never feel safe again.  It is very difficult to trust. The worst part of betrayal is a mind-numbing, highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you. You try to show them what they are doing is wrong You blame yourself, your defects, your failed efforts These attachments cause you to distrust yourself, distort your own realities, and place yourself at even greater risks Exploitative relationships create betrayal bonds.  Betrayal bonds happen when a person bonds with someone who is destructive to him or her.   Examples of betrayal bonds include: Not exposing the wrong doing of a parent Sexual exploitation professionals As you think about whether or not you should lie to defend someone love or if you should defend the liar you love, evaluate and assess, whether or not you are in an exploitative relationship. When we think about bonds, we think about a healthy connection, or positive attachment with someone you care about; however, bonds can also be negative and destructive. What make us [...]