"Adult romantic love is an attachment bond, just like the one between mother and child." Sue Johnson Society has told us that in order to be independent, healthy adults, we need to separate ourselves from our parents, and learn to not depend on them for nurturing and comfort. However, the need to depend on one person, to know that when we call, that person will be there for us, never disappears. As psychiatrist John Bowlby said, “from the cradle to the grave,” we need to have someone to be there for us from the moment we are born until the moment we die. For this reason, romantic love is not illogical; it is, in fact, the continuation of an ordered plan for our survival. However, there is a difference: our partner doesn’t not have to be there physically. As children, we needed our caregivers in order to safe and protected. As adults, we can use mental images of our partner to call up a sense of connection. Whenever I have to do a presentation, I get anxious and nervous. What I do to calm down, is to picture my husband in mind and his encouraging words. The Laws of Love - 1
"The primary and main human instinct is neither sex nor aggression. It is to seek contact and comforting connection from another being." Sue Johnson English psychiatrist, John Bowlby, was the first to give us an understanding of love. Bowlby suggested that all of us are designed to love a few others to keep us feeling safe and protected from birth until the time we die. Sue Johnson, in her book "Love Sense," says that "although sex may push us to mate, it is love that guarantees our existence." When we come into the world, our attachment system has been hard-wired to seek connection with another human being. If you watch a baby being born, you will notice the way the baby will reach out to connect to the person who has been carrying him or her for nine months. The brain attachment system moves us to pursue physical closeness and build interactions with a few of our closest people, beginning with our mother. Reference: Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships.
Let’s face it; we all have at least one woman in our lives. Whether it is a mother, wife, daughter, friend or mentor, a woman has made a difference in our lives. Too often, these women go unrecognized for all that they do for those around them. This Friday, March 8th is International Women’s Day. Why not use that day to show your appreciation to all of the women in your life? So what is International Women’s Day? Here’s some background on the holiday. International Women’s Day has been observed since the early 1900’s. It was started to give a voice to the inequalities that were occurring towards women at the time. Since then, it has grown to be an observed holiday in over 70 countries. This year there will be over 1100 events held throughout these countries. Want to find out more about events in the US? Click here. For more information on events in Orlando, click here. If you can’t participate in these events, here are a few ideas to show your love and appreciation to the women in your life. Show Respect – For those important women in your life that are no longer with us, do something in their honor. It can be as simple as visiting their gravesite, or sharing stories about their lives with others. If they were active in a particular organization, or were an avid volunteer, share your time or treasure in honor of their service. View Their Achievements – Tour a local art museum featuring works by women. While touring, consider the additional difficulties these women faced as artists in a field made up predominately of men. Share the Love – Tell your special ladies, how [...]
As the candles have been blown out, the romantic dinners had, gifts exchanged, and memories created, what do you do now to keep the love moving forward? Just because Valentines Day is over does not mean you have to stop showing the love that you have for someone. Love should not require us to show our significant others the love that they deserve just once a year, but instead daily. Love is something that, given enough tenderness, will grow deeper than you can imagine. Many people have this thought that once Valentines Day is over, that’s it. No need to be extra romantic or extra special towards the one you care for. However, it is even more important to show your significant other after the holiday to remind them what a major factor they are in your life. Here are some simple things to do to keep that romance alive through the year: 1. Flowers – Girls love flowers. Even better, your girl loves flowers sent to her job with a secret little note reminding her of how incredible she is to you. It makes everyone around her jealous and makes her blush and feel important. 2. Dinner – Don’t let going out or cooking for your significant other happen once a year. Make it a romantic occasion at least once a month. Find their favorite recipe, light some candles, put on some romantic music, and when they walk in the door, sweep them off their feet. It’s not every day that someone will sweep his or her significant other off the floor by going above and beyond. Who knows, you might have the romantic evening returned one day! 3. Baths – Really. After a [...]
Many couples face a point in their relationship where the other partner does or says something that affects the relationship, and denies it. The lie can come from many different points from being an emotional lie to a physical lie. If your partner lies to you, or others you know, would you stand up for them, or for yourself? It’s never something easy to deal with a lie. In modern society, it has become the easiest thing to do. From creating an online persona, to cheating, drugs, or even forgetting to do a small chore and hiding it, lying is becoming simpler and increasingly more part of our nature. Many studies have found the ugly side of humans. Everyone lies left and right! A 6-month baby will start to deceit parents using the crying in order to connect with parents. That is a survival mechanism. In order to survive, the baby has to attach to the parent. Also, parents will lie to their kids all the time! What are some of the biggest lies your parents told you growing up? Santa Claus? Much of our day-to-day conversation has moved online and we still have the same old anxieties about telling the truth. What are some of the common lies told by men and women? Women lie about their age, weight Men lie about height, the number of sexual partners And the list can go on… Since online we lose the clues we would get from face-to-face interactions, it makes it more difficult to spot a liar, and easier for liars to deceive those they are interacting with. Another thing we must be careful of is self-deception and the lies we tell ourselves. How many times [...]
I have learned that when couples get engaged, they spend most of their time and energy planning the wedding. Frequently, forgetting to nurture their relationship now. The focus tends to be in the future since it is exciting to look forward to marriage and dream of how wonderful life will be, but it is also important to be realistic and talk about some of your expectations. Many married couples do not understand why the marriage did not turn out the way they expected. Taking the time to look at your present relationship and your expectations for the future will insure that your marriage is based on solid principles. Here are 3 steps you must take to keep your marriage alive and healthy: 1. Put your relationship first. Right now you can say that you are putting your relationship first, however, life will hit you – children, career, sports, hobbies, friends, church activities will take your time and attention. Couples need to consistently refocus and come back to each other and make time for the relationship. 2. Commit to grow together. To build a strong relationship it’s important that couples are committed to grow and change together. When a couple is not truly committed, it is easier to give up when problems arise. A commitment to growth goes beyond of “sticking together,” it’s a commitment to adapt to each other’s changing needs. 3. Work at staying close. The key to a successful marriage is entering the marriage with the attitude that it takes work to stay close. Many different activities will pull you away and it is important that when you find yourself overcommitted to pace yourself and say no when you need to. When trying [...]
First was the announcement of the separation, and then came the news of the child that was the result of an affair. Arnold Schwarzenegger, the former body builder, movie star, and California’s former Republican governor, and wife Maria Shriver, announced their separation on May 10th, 2011. One week later, Mr. Schwarzenegger, admitted that he had a child with a member of his household staff. Deceit, betrayal, and shame; these are just some of the feelings that a spouse who has been a victim of affairs might be experiencing. Schwarzenegger is just another political or public figure to announce being unfaithful to his spouse. What is Narcissism? Narcissistic Personality Disorder is listed on The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed. A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early childhood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment. Narcissism is characterized by a sense of entitlement, feelings of grandiosity, a tendency to seek the attention of others, and interpersonal conflicts. Narcissists have a tendency to exaggerate achievements and express entitlement to recognition without having earned it. Here are some of the most common characteristics of a narcissistic personality type: feelings of being superior exaggeration of talents grandiose fantasies self-centered or self-referential behavior need for attention and admiration arrogant and proud high achievement Being in a relationship with someone that might be demonstrating narcissistic personality type can leave you feeling that what you have to say or do is not important, your needs are never addressed and it may leave you feeling lonely. Here are some tips on how to [...]
When was the last time you evaluated your list of priorities? We live a fast paced life that sometimes we even forget why we have made certain choices. This a picture of my brother and me. This picture was taken when we were really young, but when I look at this picture I am reminded of what is truly important to me and that is my FAMILY. At the end of the day it does not matter how much money I have in the bank, or what kind of car I drive, and if I am famous or not. What it;s truly important is that I have friends and family that will always be there for me. Every time I think about this I get a sense belonging and all anxiety and stress of my day simply goes away. Follow me on Facebook. Follow me on Twitter.