Marta Rocha Weber, MA, Marriage Counseling in Orlando, FL Why change who you are to who you aren’t?

Remember that first date you went on with your significant other? Yea, the night that you guys went out, shared a meal (or a movie), maybe held hands, possibly kissed? What was it about them that made you fall for them? A good amount of the time their personality and ability to click is what makes you fall for them (and of course, looks help too). But what happens when you start dating, and further down the road you begin to sacrifice little things (possibly big), and suddenly, you are not the person you were before?

When you are in a relationship, so many people are willing to sacrifice who they are to make the other person happy. Stop right there. Rewind. Don’t do it.

Why? Here’s some reasons why:

– If you truly care for and love that person, and they you, there should be no need to change who you are for them. Is that not what made you click in the first place?

– The fact that he likes Spiderman and you prefer Batman, that he enjoys gaming while you enjoy clubbing with the girls, or maybe that he likes going to the beach and surfing but you cannot stand the sun are what make each person unique.

– Little things that you enjoy should not be sacrificed, you are giving up who you are to be someone you are not.

I understand that there is a need to nix a bad habit or silly thing now and then, but do not under any circumstance shift your entire personality to be someone you are not. If anything, get to know each other more and find out what it is that you both bond over. Keep the relationship a healthy relationship. If for some reason, you both decide that you despise that the other person loves something that you cannot deal with, maybe give them one day a week where they can do it and you do what you love (and they might not love). Tips to work through that and compromise without sacrificing yourself are:

– If it’s Spiderman and Batman then why not watch Saturday morning cartoons curled up eating your favorite breakfast

– If he likes gaming see if there’s a dance game that meets your clubbing needs one day a month instead of going out with the gals

– Maybe Friday night “club night” with the girls is his “game with the guys” night and you both have your share of excitement

Again, a relationship is about give and take not a give-give or take-take situation.

If you enjoy something, do not let someone take it away from you, but work it out. Find out if there is a reason behind it. Maybe they do not like clubbing because they had a bad experience and they are actually worried about you. Sometimes, there are legitimate reasons why someone would want to shift that part of your personality, and if so, it might be wise to listen.  If it is something that is being forced on you to change however, step back and examine why you are in this relationship and if it is something that you are really ok sacrificing.

Sometimes, couples get down the road and realize that the reason they fell out of love or stopped liking someone is because of how much they have changed as a person. Often enough I hear friends complain about these things. Do you hear friends, or even yourself, saying things like:

– “Oh, he’s just not the same man he was when I met him”.

– “He’s so different. I thought he was someone else”.

– “She never complained so much about what I did before”.

– “I don’t like who my friend is turning into with this person. They’re becoming someone they aren’t and it’s ruining our friendship too!”

Funny thing is, he/or she is still the same person, but they were being told all the things that were wrong with them. Afraid that you’ve lost all of whom you were? Here are some tips to getting through it:

1) Do not let that person be you who sacrifices all of who you are.

2) Work together to find out what makes each other click, and adjust as needed, but do not lose yourself because you want to make the other person happy, instead, find out what makes you happy about yourself and let the other person know that this is who you are

3) Do it because you want to make yourself happy while being true to who you are and why you fell in love with that person in the first place.

4) Re-create that spark and keep the chemistry alive by communicating!

Best of luck, and remember, we are all unique individuals with unique styles, tastes, and enjoyments. Without any of that, the world would be such a dull place. If you decide that you are having issues with sacrificing too much of your personality in your relationship, remember, there is always someone out there who can help you.

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Marta Rocha

About the Author: Marta Rocha is a Mental Health Counselor. Marta is fluent in Portuguese, Spanish and English. Marta Rocha is specialized in the areas of Marriage Counseling, Family Issues, Stress Management, Leadership Training, Anxiety, Depression, Sports Psychology, Grief, and Substance Abuse & Addictions. Marta Rocha has 12 years of experience in sales & marketing, advertising, promotions, management, and professional development. Her professional affiliations are with the American Counseling Association, and the American Association of Christian Counselors.

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